Confessions of a BAD mother

It's not that I'm a horrible mother. I mean, you know, I 'm not totally selfish. Sure I push my kids out of the way during a parade to get good candy. And yeah, maybe I post embarassing potty pics of them all over my facebook and then add their friends....and when I finally give in and let Shelby finally have a facebook...oh my. There will be little "I love you sunshine bunny" notes all over her wall. (Heeeheee...I can't wait!!)

But that's totally not the point of this write-up. In my glorious state of bad motherness, I'm looking for some recipes. I'm amidst my back to school baking, and I want to freeze a bunch of cookies. But cookies are my best friend and never seem to get into the kids hands. It's true. I love cookies SOOO much that I make them for me, myself and MOI. I hide them in margarine containers labeled "BORSCHT 2004" and lay them at the bottom of the freezer where a child could never venture. I eat them for breakfast in the bathroom while I'm pretending to shower. Or at 3 a.m. when I get up for my ritual insomnia snack. My poor kids will ask for cookies and I'll direct them to the rock-hard Harmonie brand store bought ones in the pantry.

So I need to find a recipe that is delicious to the kids, but not to me. A challenging task, no? So fellow mothers (or fathers) please inbox me your recipes. Make them easy ones, and perhaps ones with oatmeal (I don't care for it.

Give the poor Graham kids a chance at cookies.

Softball Stinker

You know, you can brag all you like about what a fantastic ball player you were, and that's all fine and dandy. (and entirely untrue)
UNTIL...
you get asked to play AGAIN. Like this Saturday. With new people. In a strange town.
So for the record, here's the truth.
I played with all my heart in my first ever softball tournament on Canada Day.
I did NOT hit any home runs. I did NOT make it to first base. I did NOT run fast, although I thought I did.
I DID catch the ball at home plate, but ran away from the plate when things got intense so the pitcher could cover.
I DID get people out on second base, but only two. I did NOT catch any pop flies.
I may or may not have peed a little in my pants after one really good hit, thus having to leave the game and run the quarter of a mile to the nearest washroom leaving the team wondering where I went.
If y'all were under the impression that I was some natural born athlete, I apologize. I led you on.
I shall report the truth from here on in, as all of southern Manitoba will soon know... I suck at ball.

Gardening 101

My garden is in. ALL IN.

So I have a totally new approach this year. Forget organic. Forget gently plucking the weeds out one by one. Forget picking off the potato bugs or hanging a fake wasp nest to deter stinging pests. NONE OF THAT WORKS, PEOPLE.

The soul-sucking weeds and the satanic hornets who decided to hibernate in tunnels in my innocent little garden are declaring war. And I'm not going down without a fight.

Husband and I are armed with twenty different brands of chemicals, poison and flamethrowers. Those weeds don't stand a chance!! And the hornets? Well, I've already been stung once and short of pouring gasoline down all the holes, I'm not sure what to do. But back-pack Barry has sprayed poison all over the entire yard (don't bring your children over to play), so hopefully they've all died a slow and painful death.

If you're worried about the health and safety of my family once we start eating our radioactive lettuce and explosive carrots, don't fret. I will wash everything before it comes into this house. And if the bunnies manage to crawl through the hole in the fence that Shelby attacked with the lawn mower, then too bad. DIE BUNNIES, DIE.

I feel clever and powerful and impishly evil.

Wish me luck friends.

PRESENTS!!!

So Christmas is coming.

YAY!!!!

I am finished shopping and decorating and will attempt baking soon.

If you follow my life, (but heck knows why you would), then you may know that I gave up on buying millions of gifts for all my fabulous friends a couple years ago. I opted instead to do the whole charity thing.

HOWEVER. This year is hella special. My friends are kinda back together. Sorta like a band reuniting? Mary has a great house, Rae moved back and has a great new house (two blocks from mine!!) And we got us a brand new shiny Tenille. So's I felt like getting them a little some'thun.

That's right. They're all getting the Slap Chop. They're going to have an exciting life now. (I'm keeping the Graty, bitches...yer not THAT special.)

But I still have to do a little charity right? Trouble is, I bore easily. I don't feel like Operation Christmas Child because the whole shoe box thing is maybe not enough, and they're doing it through school now anyways. And I gave cash to Ronald McDonald house a couple years ago and ...no free quarter pounder. SERIOUSLY??

So this year I saw the commercials for Plan Canada Gifts. I checked it out and am leaning towards a nice family size goat. For 75 bucks, you can improve a family's livelihood, health and education. And really, who doesn't want to say they gave somebody a goat for Christmas? Better than a Slap Chop, no?

My problem is finding the legitimacy of this site. I saw the commercials on TV, so I'm sure it's real. But how much of the money is going to the families that need it? Does anybody know about this? Or does anyone have better recommendations?

Happy Giving Everybody!!!

We Are Canadian!!

Why do I love Canada Day so much?

For one, remember how I LOVE me a parade?

Well, I STILL love me a parade. I got to be the parade photographer and I'm pretty sure that I'll be snapping pics of Canada's Next Top Models once they see my work. That is, if I ever get them copied to a disc and sent off to the rec office.

And well we're on the parade topic, OUR float was the best, oh yes it was! (Only because Emerson kids are the cutest)

Next up, the FABULOUS adventures in the park, and of course, naturally this year, the highlight was the fish pond. Coincidentally it was run by yours truly. Shout out to Angie and Doris for their generous prize donations and putting a lot of happy smiles on kids faces. IT WAS OFF THE HOOK FUN. I am devastated over the fact that I forgot to snap a pic of my Under the Sea adventure, so if anyone out there has one, PLEASE, send it to me, I would be so grateful. Some people questioned who was having more fun? Myself - carnie extraordinaire, or the kiddies.

Free swimming, fun baseball, beer gardens, great entertainment and my BEST friends all made this one of the best Canada Day's yet.

And yes, I've needed the occasional Advil since then.

Wii like to Play!

My name is Mommy, and I’m a Wii addict.

It started Christmas day. I wasn’t afraid, for I’d never played video games and saw no use for them.

But after making my first Mii, I realized how talented I really was. Well, I mean, er…sorta was. SHELBY IS ELEVEN, PEOPLE! OF COURSE SHE SHOULD BE BETTER AT TENNIS!!!! (And everything else.)

I first noticed a problem when I felt the urge to fire the Wii guitar through the bay window. It’s not the guitar’s fault that I’m left handed and incapable. Right?

Later, when I realized that I’m the GREATEST ROCKBAND SINGER IN THE WORLD (oops, did I yell that? sorry), I noticed that I had stayed up until 4 a. m. singing Iron Maiden songs. I don’t even LIKE Iron Maiden!! (Rae, if you’re reading this…I’m sending you the video of me, Gabb, and Barry performing Run To The Hills…it’s horrific, have a glass of wine before you watch it)

The kicker came when I went out to buy my kids new clothes because I didn’t have time to attempt the volcanoes of laundry that had piled up in my disgusting house. I don’t remember laundry. Cooking? For the meek. We eat pizza now. In front of the TV. Family suppers are for the Waltons.

I have tennis elbow, bowling wrist pain, and my right thumbnail is flattened. I walk through the house and randomly yell "WARIO" for no particular reason. I was even busted on more than one occasion by my sweetheart, sitting out in the middle of the living room floor at 2 a.m - Mario Kart wheel in one hand, bowl of Captain Crunch in the other. Barry began to get concerned.

So what did he do? What any good husband would do. He bought me Wii curling last night. I heart him.

Christmas is the best at MY house because...

I have a fake tree. And that’s good because you won’t get a pine needle rammed between your toes when you walk in our living room. And because I could put it up in August if I wanted. I don’t. But I could.

I make the best fudge in town. You know why? Because I put Velveeta cheese in it. If you come over, I’ll share it with you. Unless you’re a creepy person that I don’t know.

There’s singing. Oh how there’s singing. I sing non-stop. The kids sing. And yes, even Barry sings. In the car, doin’ dishes, probably in his office. We are a grand bunch of singers. I make up my own words if I don’t know them. It doesn’t matter that Santa brought me 8 baconators on the eight day of Christmas.

We bought our kids the BEST presents this year. I’m so excited, I’ve been on Rolaids for a week. And the reason we bought them the best gifts, is because this year, they’ve been the BEST kids ever. And they’re also the cutest. Even though they’re at that age where they’re embarking on awkward, I still think they’re the cutest. Knobby knees, giant teeth, skinny butts and all.

I over decorate. I love flashing lights, fake snow, mistletoes, wreaths, you name them, I have them. I’ve been told it looks like Christmas barfed on my house.

I have a brand new game of Cranium Pop edition just itching to be played. Y’all know how I love me a good board game. It’s almost as good as a puzzle in my books. So I’m just waiting for someone to show up to play with me. And Barry. And Mary. Don’t worry. I’ll make dip.

Christmas makes me sick with anticipation. I’m so overwrought with joy.

Fairytales!

Something very exciting happened on Friday.

Most of you probably think that me and my friends are boring and non-exciting parents who don’t let their children drink pop after 4 p.m. (oh wait, that’s just me)

But on Friday, with stone-cold, blind, excitement and a whole 24 hours of planning….2 of our communal children (we share them all when we’re together)…

GOT MARRIED!!!!

Albeit a fake wedding, however, the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to.

We had a very small guest list, a pizza and trifle supper, and the most fun EVER!! I just know all y’all are gonna want in on OUR playdates from now on…let me tell you…it’s always like this with us!

And note, clearly I have missed my calling as an ordained justice of the peace. SKILLZ. I got me some.

Watch and enjoy!

All Foam, No Beer.

How to make the WORST salsa ever…

1. Pick 700 delicious roma tomatoes and spend 5 hours chopping them with a dull knife

2. Add all yer classic stuff like green peppers, onions, garlic, jalapenos, cayenne, sugar, salt, arsenic, blah, blah, blah….spend additional 5 hours chopping.

3. Boil and stir. Simmer and stir. FOREVER. (Or one hour.)

4. Get 5 canning jars ready with excitement and childish anticipation.

5. Dish out 1 and a half jars of salsa that ISN’T red and DOESN’T seal and cry over how little you got.

6. Don’t enjoy for spite.

Converting to Classy

I think it’s probably been well-established that I am no swanky-posh-elegant type of girl.

So when Barry and I went down to Minneapolis with friends this weekend, and stayed at the swankest hotel I’ve ever seen in my life…WELL.

I think I could change.

I can entirely get used to having to use a small ladder to climb upon a four poster bed with 500 pillows and fancy chocolates laid out for me each night upon my 50 pound robe.

I can also get used to laying in a granite tub that has a glass TV encased right in front of me. Hehe…and the blow dryer wasn’t even attached to the wall!

I fell in instant love with the top-hatted doorman who reminded me of Mr. Peanut. I especially liked putting my vehicle in valet parking. (Not a fan of tipping every time they open a door, say good morning, or freakin' cover your mouth if you sneeze…k. I kid. A little.)

Just so all y’all know…it was a crazy cheap deal on the room, but they get you with stuff like that NINE DOLLAR bottle of water that you’re so tempted to crack open in the room. And let me tell ya, I WAS tempted. I figgered it had to be laced with anti-wrinkle serum or some other magical youth concoctions, but don’t panic, internets…I let my good sense prevail. (And my hubby’s.)

Anyhoo. FABULOUS TRIP. FABULOUS COMPANY. FABULOUS SHOPPING. I’ll post photos of the UFC event we attended as soon as I can.

Spring Break in Minneapolis

HIGHS

-Six dollar shirts and eight dollar shoes in all their cuteness

-Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory STILL makes the best shrimp in the land

-Meeting the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Ok, that’s Barry and Oscar’s high but can we all say HAWT???!!!! I think we had a moment.

-One word - I K E A

LOWS

-7 hours of driving with a bladder the size of a pea

-Oscar asking me where I got that fat part when I put on my bikini

-“Are we there yet?”…” What’s next?”… “Can I buy this, puhleeeeeze?...” over and over and over again

-Stopping for an extra night in Fargo without bunk beds in the room and having to sleep with farty, fidgety, kids.



AHHHH....it's good to be home. I will now attempt to lose about 17 pounds of bacon, shrimp, and cheesecake.

When Streetheart happens to good calm people

This blog was written April 10 2007


After 5 days of pure hell, I have decided that I am never drinking again, exercising again,... or heck, even...leaving my house again, because THIS happens:

Thank god for my wonderful man-mate who has taken great care of me amidst the worst pain ever. He even took the legs off the old couch so I could be propped up in front of the TV. And thank god for the doctor who prescribed 4 different types of super powerful drugs and a cuddly neck support for me today. I can now see a blurry light at the end of this tunnel. (drugs are gooooood)
I think I might attempt a shower tonight. Skin's itchy and that can only mean one thing...GOOD OLE BED SORES!!

Streetheart was oh so good though.

Memory Lane

This blog was written October 16.2006


Who doesn't want to go the local care home and model their Grandmother's wedding dress from 1937? Seriously. It's great fun. You should all try it.


This is how I spent my afternoon. Oscar told me I looked like a pretty princess. WHAT A GOOD BOY!!

A royal state of pigdom

This blog was written January 6, 2007


What is it about vacations and poor eating habits? They seem to go hand in hand. We went to Grand Forks for a few days and stayed at the Holiday Inn (it was a rat-hole, don't go there.)

I craved salt the entire time. DAMN YOU SALT, you wicked yet beautiful mineral.



Yeah, and look what I can do.



Heehee, I ate that cheezie afterwards. I don't care. Tease me. Whatever.

Me and my jiggle belly are going to go lay on the couch now and only eat celery for a few days.

Pool Party

This blog was written July 17, 2006


As most of you have probably figured out already, I rather enjoy summer. I spend my days lounging in the sun with family and friends drinking margaritas and/or beers. Yesterday was one of these days. Started off with a good time in our state of the art fancy pool.



Once we were dry and ready to start dinner, my horrid husband chucked Mary and I back in the pool, skirts and all. (this is really starting to happen WAY too often)

The girls walked back to Rehannon's place to rescue the lovely bird cooking in her oven. We brought it home to finish burning it on the BBQ. (Barry is not the best bbq'er. )

Rehannon is the supercook among us, but even she could not repair the poor burnt bird.

Although we had ordered a backup pizza, the chicken with the BBQ sauce from the gates of hell, was not totally bad.

In fact, the 2 meat lovers in the group, could not get enough of the saucy, scorched fowl.

The margaritas were too sugary, the chicken was TOO cajun, and the marshmallows were all stuck together, but I could certainly still say, it was a perfect day.

Fringe Festival

This blog was written August 1, 2006


I absolutely HAD to go to the Fringe Festival this year to see my favorite musician Serena Postel. She has such original and raw talent and so much character in her voice, that it gives me shivers. (Plus it was VERY cold at the Fringe on Friday)
If you have not seen her yet....DO IT!! Her CD is supposed to be coming out in August. I even got to meet her adorable children at the Port-A-Potties!
Pardon my over-excited crazy fan look in this picture!


Afterwards, my husband and I wandered around and purchased some beautiful handmade jewellery pieces, watched a few more free shows and ate some soggy east indian roti that was so gross it was almost good.
Pardon my greasy, rained-on, too many Brahma beers, exhausted appearance!


Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I avoid crowds and usually hate these types of events, however, Friday night, I was perfectly fine and had a wonderful time, and I will definitely go back to the Fringe Festival next year. And buy those beautiful silk skirts I hummed and hahhhed over for nearly an hour.

Floored

This blog was written December 9, 2006


So, I was all bored and stuff on Thursday and wondering what I should do...
and then figured I would install myself a new dining and kitchen floor. 

So I did.


I've got to say, I did a pretty good job.  My kids love it.  I love it.  I will kill anyone who spills on it. Yep, kill them dead.



Okay, so obviously, I'm lying.  I didn't install it all by myself.  I had a couple helpers. 



Oscar learned a lot during this project.  He knows what a square, a chisel, a level and all those fancy compound mitre saw thingys are now.  And so does my husband now, too!!



Home Improvement Hella is gonna sleep on her new floor tonight!!

Take a Walk with Heather

This blog was written September 23 2006

As you all know how I love to brag about the beauty of the area I live in. Fall is no exception to this, so tonight I decided to take a stroll down to the end of my street to another sort of street/path that borders a bushy, overgrown little forest that edges the river. It is one of my favorite places to walk when I need to de-stress or just feel at peace. And, as I said, it is especially beautiful in autumn.

About halfway along this cute little wooded area, if you walk in a little ways, you come to a clearing where lies an old (probably haunted), abandoned mansion. The story is, it was left in a hurry, never sold and everything inside is as it was the day the occupants took off. Creepy. And cool at the same time.

If I had any sense of adventure or didn't have irrational fears of bears, monsters and Emily Rose, I'd love to go late night exploring with a flashlight and of course, my camera!

So, while it's still daylight, I continue on my trek down the end of the steet, and I pause at a home and wonder, what kind of people live in a yard where they dangle or put all sorts of weird things on their trees? Including a ceiling fan. I'd like to meet them. Maybe.

I continue "across the tracks" a.k.a. "the Emerson ghetto". Here I spy all kinds of lawn ornaments or human facsimiles. I love those fat one-dimensional bent over farmer people.

I bravely move forward, as this yard intrigued me alot and I was so glad I had my camera along or I would not have gotten this shot of cardboard Santa, some elf dude, some baking chic, and little troll guy. I would have gotten more of the interesting home-made, metal, cardboard animals and odd tire-art in the rest of the eccentric, oddball yard, but I suddenly heard someone lurking in the workshop and figured I better get the hell out of there before they weld me into one of their one-dimensional farmer ladies.

I raced back home from my exciting little excursion, and back to reality to the sight of my own backyard and wondered....WHO IN THE BLUE HECK IS GONNA HELP ME RAKE ALL THESE LEAVES???!!!