Ready, Set,... PLAY HOCKEY!!

Just when you thought the “hockey mom” was becoming an endangered species…..yes, that’s right. I am joining the official rankings of hockey mom’s everywhere!!! And I gotta admit… I’m a little excited.

I don’t really know anything about being a hockey mom, but I’m sure I’ll catch on quick.

From what I understand, I will learn to adapt to a new winter diet consisting of rink dogs, popcorn and diet coke. My son will learn to drink gallons of Gatorade.
I will also learn to bare my teeth at hockey moms of opposing teams as their wicked little tyrants body check or even snarl at my precious angel.
Apparently I will learn to make a 50 gazillion pound black CCM hockey bag look like a must-have fashion accessory…that is, if I learn to lift the damn thing…
I am busy making a check list of where all that equipment and other crap goes and whatever order it’s supposed to be in.
I pledge to become a road warrior, trekking across vast expanses of sleet, black ice or blizzards to get my little NHL wannabe to his destination battlegrounds!
I will learn to expand my vocal chords (and vocabulary) to deal with refs who dare put Mr. Handsome into a penalty box, or coaches who may bench him due to his ability.
I’ve seen that hockey moms tend to have longer necks to enhance their ability to see into each ice surface corner as well as expanded peripheral vision to catch any offsides. I hope to obtain these skills quickly.

And Hockey Dad has brainwashed both son and I that colour of uniform such as jerseys or heaven forbid - SOCKS!!, is important. IE – blue/white combo = VERY BAD. (Apparently Hockey Dad harbours ill feelings towards the Leafs – will look into therapy for him.)

I’ve also heard that sometimes, hopefully not in my case….hockey players tend to disown their hockey moms. I’m really not sure why. I shall adopt the “Can’t Happen to Me” attitude on this issue.


So wish me luck, internets! With Shelby in figure skating twice a week and Oscar embarking on hockey once a week, you can find me at the rink. I’ll be the crazy lady with the frozen butt and extra layer of winter blubber.

ISN'T HE THE CUTEST THING EVER?????

Innocence

Okay, I’m a fairly cool-to-the-hip mom. Or try to be. So when my daughter asks me questions about sex, gay marriage, baby birthing, and/or what to do when she’s kidnapped, I am usually pretty straight up with her. However, I am also smart enough to know that I should usually steer the conversation out of ear shot for my son.

So last night, Shelby is asking me questions about babies and uteruses and stuff while Oscar seems absolutely mesmerized in the latest episode of Zack and Cody. I figger he’s not paying attention so I yip and yap and sing praises about my most awesome uterus and how pregnancy usually works.

When suddenly, Oscar runs in and asks in a panic “Mommy! What happens if you get sick and need to barf? Will the baby barf up out of your mouth????”

Shelby fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. I stifled mine and replied “Oscar! What a good question!” And then I attempted to explain all the fixings of a uterus in 6 year old language. Satisfied, he went back to his little man’s soap opera to get tips on picking up grade 2 chicks.

These are the moments I truly live melt for. Like when we’re driving to Grand Forks past the sugar beet factory and Oscar looks up at the tall building blowing fumes everywhere and in his dreamy little voice says “Look Mommy, that’s where they make clouds!”

Masking Nutrition

So, tomorrow night is parent council meeting night. Which is fine. Except as usual, I have procrastinated and have no idea whatsoever what kind of hot lunch I will be presenting to our precious pupils for November.

Now here is the problem. School boards are outlawing all the main food groups like pop, chocolate and chips, and replacing them with the new age fad crap like 100% fruit juice, vitamin water and wood chips. Did I say wood chips?? I meant wheat crisps. And if y’all saw the Echo last week, it reported that the parent councils support and reflect this with THEIR choices. Ahemm….ha ha ha….

I’ve tried, people. Last couple years, I tried serving veggie platters, chicken wraps, and taco salad. I even tried to trick the little buggers by calling the veggie platter “a special picnic lunch!” They didn’t buy it. Not one bit.

The only successes I’ve had are with your good ol’ mac and cheese (I swear that stuff is radioactive), greasy pizza, anything that tastes similar to a fistful of sugar, chicken nuggets and fries. All of course, with globs of ketchup.

I need a healthy lunch idea that will have the parents and teachers oohing and aahing at my nourishment expertise whilst tricking their offspring into thinking it’s better than a fried KFC leg doused in chocolate ice cream.

I would love to go organic, free-range, hormone and antibiotic-free, but as I do not have dreadlocks or partake in the ganja, I think it’s best we start out simple.

So fellow internets – give me a solid idea. One that I will tout as my own and present it to the school board soldiers as they get enriched by my greatness.

Disclaimer: For those who STILL don’t get my sarcasm, I fully support and encourage healthy eating and am mostly aware that chocolate is not a food group.

99 Reasons my day sucked rocks

1. I was pretty much awake ALL night because my darling Barry snored like a dying hyena.

2. I realized I forgot a bunch of people to call or mail about skating registration tomorrow. I feel like a piece of unreliable cheese.

3. I went grocery shopping and bought 8 sorts of crap I didn’t need and nothing of the milk variety which was the reason I went in the first place!!

4. My house is so dirty and messy, I need a shovel fit for the friendly giant to clean it.

5. My poor best Dad fell down the ditch and broke his shoulder in two places and gave my poor best Mom a darn near coronary in her panic to rush out and save him. I feel sickly sad about this.

6. My fridge stinks.

7. I have meetings and what-have-yous every night this week and Barry is working late every day for what seems like the rest of his life. I like Barry.

8. Somebody told me that it’s too early to hang up Halloween decorations. That blasphemous heathen can go to heck. DO YOU HEAR ME??? TO HECK.
(I have a good mind to spitefully hang em up in August next year, because I’m aggressive like that.)

Yeah, so I’m not sure if that’s 99 or what, but remember, I didn’t sleep last night so messing up my counting abilities is allowed. I hate everything.